Lesson of the year

Wow. It has been over a year since I last posted here. I re-read all of my previous posts and the comments and it really took me back to a space in time before my world just exploded in chaos and uncertainty.

This year has been the ultimate test of my emotional and mental strength. I can't even begin to explain...i'm not even going to try. But it has been hard. I've gotten to points where I truly wanted to hole myself up in a tiny space and not see or hear anyone for a long long time, and just disappear into darkness. Sometimes the hectic state of my mind makes the silence too loud...it's just bad. Never ever thought I would hit such a rough patch, but I am human and I can be vulnerable to anything I guess.

One thing I have learned this year (there have been plenty of lessons) is I do not have to fight every single battle. Sometimes it's necessary to Let Go. By nature, I like to have control. I like to know what's goin on, how it's gonna happen, when and where. I didn't ask to be like that. It just is. And this yr has brought things into my life that I have absolutely no control over and it has shaken me to my core. By instinct, I fight back. I struggle to regain control. I put EVERYTHING out there in hopes to get something in return. When that doesn't happen, it's easy to give up and feel like a failure.

That is not in my spirit. Failure isn't an option for me because I rarely, if ever, claim it. But I have learned that letting go doesn't always mean you fail. It sometimes means you're smart. Letting go doesn't have to be permanent. Goes back to the old adage: what will be, will be. And if this situation is meant to turn out in my favor...then it will.

Letting go is not easy. Just about the hardest thing ever, for me. But if it comes down to a point where you're stuck fighting to hold on and you get to the brink of losing your mind....you'd be a fool to step off that cliff.

Just. Let. Go.

Happy New Year, everyone. 2011 has no choice but to be better. I can't accept anything less.

Havent posted here lately

Because I havent been very personally inspired. But taking a trip over here and re-reading my own words of positivity helps alot. Im happy I started this blog. I may not keep it up as often as I do the other ones, but hopefully the day will come where i'll have enough sage advice, enough good vibes & enough common sense to apply my own advice in all aspects of my own life.

Sweet & Simple

This post is more for myself because I just feel like I need to express my gratitude for all of the great things going on in my life right now.

I just wanted to say thank you. To God 1st & foremost because without him, there's no telling what kind of situation I would be in. A few months ago, I told Him I would trust in Him and follow His plans as long as everything was safely in His hands. I was scared at first, my job going part time and all. But I had to let go. If I would have panicked and immediately began looking for another job, I would have missed my blessings as far as school goes. Sometimes we have to learn to drop the reigns and let God take over. I stress out. I cry. I get angry. I get discouraged and disappointed. While God sits and shakes his head at me for believing I have the last say so on anything....

Just know that i'm greatful for all of the doors that have been opened for me and I plan on running through them at full speed.

To my gf, I love you and you are the next reason why all of this has been possible for me. Without you as my inspiration and my driving force, my life would be on a completely different path & who knows if it would be a good path or a dead end road. Please know that I take nothing for granted and all of the positivity you have sent my way, I am more than willing & ready to send it all back your way. You are one of the most brilliant, beautiful, hard working women I have ever known and just as doors have blown open for me, God will do the same for you. Im not worried about it at all. I know its all taken care of. I love you so much.

Be Thankful

Keepin it nice & simple today with a timeless message that we've all heard before- Be thankful for what you have because there are many people who are far less fortunate.

I went to church on this past Sunday and my dad preached a message about making it inspite of your circumstances. This hit home in so many ways it wasn't even funny and it made me sit back and put things into perspective. Yes i'm a student who is far beyond tired of school & I often make it known that my brain has had enough and I dont know how much more it can take. Yes i'm a little stressed on how im going to pay for the rest of my education. Yes i pretty much live pay check to pay check. Yes I have bills to pay and credit to clean up. Yes there are things in life I desperately want but can't afford right now.

All of these may seem like valid problems for me, but there are people in the world who would literally kill a family member to be in my shoes. There are women living in countries who don't allow them to be educated, so why am I complaining about being a student? There are students who gave up the dream of college before even graduating high school due to their financial situations, so that makes me blessed for what I have completed so far. Living pay check to pay check may be a struggle, but it's better than not having a pay check at all. Bills and credit are all a part of the territory of being an independent adult who makes daily decisions on how to handle finances. And as far as wanting the finer things in life....as i've blogged about before, good things come to those who wait and WORK for it.

So I am thankful for all I have because I am blessed beyond words.

Find something out about yourself this weekend

It's Friday again. Yayyyy.

I don't know about you, but this has been an extremely long, tiring week for me. I don't know if it's because school is rolling full speed now, right in the middle of the semester. Or dealing with finances. Or what. I'm just exhausted. So this weekend I plan on doing nothing but taking care of my sick girlfriend, writing, and finding out something new about myself.

The playing nurse and writing part will be fairly easy. But discovering something new about myself will require deep introspection that I haven't devoted much time to lately. The something new might be a realization on an issue i've been worrying about, or figuring out something new i'd like to take part in, anything. Just something I don't currently know, that I will know come Monday. You can never know too much about the one person you'll be with for the rest of your life.

Your future is unknown for a reason

Realization- You don't have to be in the know of every single thing. Some things are better off a mystery until they happen. It's called life.


I'm beginning a transition phase in my life right now. I've been in a few before. From high school to college. From a child to a grown woman. And a few others. I typically handle change well and with a surprising amount of calm, cool and collectedness (is that a word? lol).

But I feel as if the older I get, the less easy it is for me to undergo drastic changes. Now i'm only 25. I'd hate to see how i'm gonna be when i'm 50! Anyway, so this new transition involves going from working full time and making decent $, to working part time and going to school full time. I know it's a blessing being handed to me so I can quickly get my degree and start my career, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit terrified. For the past few weeks i've been on edge, wondering, worrying about what my future holds. What's around the corner? Whats going to happen next. I've been stressing over it, crying about it, and doubting myself. I've been a mess.

Yesterday, while talking to myself (see my post on how important it is to converse with yourself), and thinking about some things my girlfriend told me, I told myself to chill out. I am not able to know what will happen a year from now, four years from now or even tomorrow. All I can do is continuing working hard towards what I want out of life and believe in God that he's directing me down the right path. Everything is in his hands and he makes no mistakes. If it was all left up to me, that's when I should be worried.

Just DO it

So currently i'm working on completing college applications so that I may transfer to a four year institution for fall 2009 semester. Along with these college apps comes scholarship apps. Along with the scholarship apps come lengthy essays, gpa verifications, running around getting recommendations from various people, and ridiculous amounts of paper work. Needless to say, I AM TIRED.

Realization: Hard work may not cash out instantly, but it will pay off in the long run.

As i'm dangerously close to running on E with all of this school stuff, added to my job AND classwork, sometimes I have to take a step back and ground myself. With the stress of my future resting on my shoulders, at times I find myself wondering if all of this is worth it. I think about how nice it must feel to just do absolutely nothing. No paperwork. No homework. No job work. Nothing. I think about that and I inhale and exhale slowly, relishing the thought of being a complete slacker. And in that moment, it feels really really good.

But then I snap back into reality and I know that if I wasn't doing something productive with my life, I would feel absolutely pointless. The hard work and dedication towards my education makes me feel good about myself and I value that feeling.

Hard work and determination speaks volumes of someone's character, so if you are doing what you gotta do to better yourself, even if it means milking every minute of your time busting your a** to get the job done.... Just DO it. I won't tell you not to complain, because we're human and we get tired, and we get moody and we want to give up and give in. But think about how much you'll be complaining if you don't do anything and you're stuck in a rut for the rest of your life. Not a pretty picture, is it?