Wow. It has been over a year since I last posted here. I re-read all of my previous posts and the comments and it really took me back to a space in time before my world just exploded in chaos and uncertainty.
This year has been the ultimate test of my emotional and mental strength. I can't even begin to explain...i'm not even going to try. But it has been hard. I've gotten to points where I truly wanted to hole myself up in a tiny space and not see or hear anyone for a long long time, and just disappear into darkness. Sometimes the hectic state of my mind makes the silence too loud...it's just bad. Never ever thought I would hit such a rough patch, but I am human and I can be vulnerable to anything I guess.
One thing I have learned this year (there have been plenty of lessons) is I do not have to fight every single battle. Sometimes it's necessary to Let Go. By nature, I like to have control. I like to know what's goin on, how it's gonna happen, when and where. I didn't ask to be like that. It just is. And this yr has brought things into my life that I have absolutely no control over and it has shaken me to my core. By instinct, I fight back. I struggle to regain control. I put EVERYTHING out there in hopes to get something in return. When that doesn't happen, it's easy to give up and feel like a failure.
That is not in my spirit. Failure isn't an option for me because I rarely, if ever, claim it. But I have learned that letting go doesn't always mean you fail. It sometimes means you're smart. Letting go doesn't have to be permanent. Goes back to the old adage: what will be, will be. And if this situation is meant to turn out in my favor...then it will.
Letting go is not easy. Just about the hardest thing ever, for me. But if it comes down to a point where you're stuck fighting to hold on and you get to the brink of losing your mind....you'd be a fool to step off that cliff.
Just. Let. Go.
Happy New Year, everyone. 2011 has no choice but to be better. I can't accept anything less.
9 months ago